Santorum to lead “strike force” to save Cuccinelli’s disastrous run for VA Gov

Failed Republican Senator and presidential candidate Rick Santorum is reportedly going to lead a “strike force” to help save the flailing, and failing, Republican candidate for governor in Virginia, Ken Cuccinelli, who is two weeks away from losing badly to Democrat Terry McAuliffe.

Of course, the bigger question on everyone’s minds is whether Rick Santorum can save Ken Cuccinelli from Dan Savage.

Dan, as many of you know, is a writer, journalist, activist, sex advice columnist, and all around good guy.  Well, Dan was in DC a week or so ago speaking at an event, I suspect on tour for his new book “American Savage,” when he got on to the topic of Ken Cuccinelli.  Dan decided that we needed a new definition for the word “cuccinelli.”

Ken Cuccinelli by Gage Skidmore.

Ken Cuccinelli by Gage Skidmore.

Now, before we get to Dan’s new definition, I should give you some background on Cuccinelli.  Cuccinelli, of course, is a bit of a religious right winger, to put it mildly.  Cuccinelli doesn’t much care for gays, or women, or anybody else who isn’t exactly like him.  For example, one of the big policy goals Cuccinelli is seeking is a ban on all oral sex – gay and straight, married and single – in Virginia.  (We’re still waiting for Mrs. Cuccinelli to swear under oath that she and the hubby have stayed true to his public ideals on the matter.)

In any case, Dan was talking about Cooch, as some less-affectionately call Mr. C, when he had an idea.

Now, first, I need to remind you of what Dan did to Rick Santorum a few years back.  Santorum was all atwitter, even before there was a Twitter, about gays getting married, and the former Republican Senator, and religious right darling, worried that if gays could marry, what would stop someone from marrying their dog?

Because, apparently in the Santorum family, the notion of consummating your marriage with the family pet is a hotly contested topic.

In any case, Dan had had just about enough of Santorum, so he started a little contest to redefine the word “santorum,” and asked his readers for suggestions.  Then he let them vote on the best ones that came in. Click on the link, the one with “frothy” in it won.  So today if you google “Santorum,” one of the top results will be Dan’s definition, forever immortalized for generations of Santora ad infinitum.

So back to Cuccinelli.  Dan has a new idea for the word “cuccinelli.”  Dan proposes we use the word to describe those little pasta shells that “look like tiny vaginas.”

Now, admittedly I’m no vagina expert.  But I do know a good deal about cooking, and Italian food in particular, so I did a little sleuthing, and with the assist of FoodSubs I think I’ve come up with the most likely candidates for the pasta that Dan had in mind.  (I admit that I was about to google “vagina” to confirm the choices below, but then realized that there was only so much I was willing to do for the pursuit of truth.)

Conchiglie (shells)

conchiglie

Conchiglioni (jumbo shells, for the plus-size lady)

conglie

Gnochetti (okay, I admit this one might be off)

gnochette

Gigli (Italian for “lilies” – and lilies often have a female sexual connotation, amirite?)

gigli3

Cavatelli (I was going with the folds)

cavatelli3

Malloreddus (again, the ridges might be an issue)

malloreddus

Quadrefiore (okay, I admit this one might be a stretch, but I was intrigued)

quadrefiore

Of course, not only would renaming Ken Cuccinelli for a vagina-looking noodle be terribly ironic since Cuccinelli is firmly anti-vagina, but it’s also an interesting question as to whether Mr. Cuccinelli’s mortal fear of oral sex would forbid him from enjoying a healthy mouthful of “cuccinelli.”

Only time will tell.


Follow me on Twitter: @aravosis | @americablog | @americabloggay | Facebook | Instagram | Google+ | LinkedIn. John Aravosis is the Executive Editor of AMERICAblog, which he founded in 2004. He has a joint law degree (JD) and masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown; and has worked in the US Senate, World Bank, Children's Defense Fund, the United Nations Development Programme, and as a stringer for the Economist. He is a frequent TV pundit, having appeared on the O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, World News Tonight, Nightline, AM Joy & Reliable Sources, among others. John lives in Washington, DC. .

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58 Responses to “Santorum to lead “strike force” to save Cuccinelli’s disastrous run for VA Gov”

  1. Tillyosu says:

    To call Dan Savage a “good guy” is pretty much a stretch. He’s an ugly fucking person, inside and out.

  2. pericles9 says:

    Hi, all! As a former Philadelphian, when I saw Senator Frothy on the news yesterday I felt that I was back in the 80s! As I mentioned to friends during the last election cycle (Romney)…”Is he still here?” I proudly voted against L’il Ricky in two separate Senatorial elections; the second vote finally worked.

  3. BillFromDover says:

    Not too sure about that.

    Hows about Ted Nugent standing next to Allen West?

    The combinations are endless as they are pukable.

  4. BillFromDover says:

    Passions of Froth?

  5. BillFromDover says:

    Rice-A-Roni?

  6. BillFromDover says:

    Or taking an aborted dead fetus home from the hospital, passing it around to your entire family to hold and pray for its soul before the burial.

    Seriously, I ask you: which one of these is more fucked-up?

  7. BillFromDover says:

    Oh, barf!!!

  8. ArthurH says:

    Sanctimonious?

  9. dcinsider says:

    I just heard about this terrible Cuccinelli thing that is going around. Is there any sort of vaccine that females can take to avoid Cuccinelli?

    As usual, science won’t bother doing anything to eliminate Cuccinelli because it’s a female thing.
    If men got Cuccinelli on their dick, there would be a trillion dollars passed through Congress to get rid of Cuccinelli.

    We need to find a cure for Cuccinelli!

  10. wmforr says:

    And another one that involves Scientologist closet cases.

  11. jm2 says:

    like i said, they’re still searching for ‘the one’…

  12. rmthunter says:

    But you don’t understand: Santorum is Reliably Conservative, and has Solid Family Values. (TM pending) The fact that he’s certifiable just makes the 27% feel comfortable with him. And in Teabagistan, it’s all about the 27%.

  13. rmthunter says:

    There’s already a good one that involves areas in public parks with lots of shrubbery.

  14. samiinh says:

    Dan needs to come up with a definition of “Cruz.”

  15. samiinh says:

    All Ken needs now is Sarah Palin, because you know how that story of The Undefeated goes.

  16. benb says:

    “Unlike Gov. Bob McDonnell (R), Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli
    (R) will not be returning more than $18,000 in gifts he received from
    political donor and Star Scientific CEO Jonnie Williams.”

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/cuccinelli-won-t-return-gifts-there-are-some-bells-you-can-t-unring

    Eventually he did ‘unring the bell’ to some extent but…any politician caught would have done something right away but if that politician is Attorney General, shouldn’t the conversation be about yanking his license to practice law?

  17. Phaerisee says:

    Santorum is a lot better than Romney.

  18. Jim Olson says:

    double *hurk*

  19. Jim Olson says:

    *hurk*

  20. FuzzyRabbit says:

    Becca, you are brilliant!

  21. Naja pallida says:

    So which kind holds the most santorum?

  22. RobNYNY1957 says:

    Because he had a proven record of winning elections.

  23. Monoceros Forth says:

    Bravo!

  24. jm2 says:

    his grandfather has been rolling in his grave! he was the leader of the Communist Party affiliate in the area of Italy where he lived. Lil Ricky’s aunt actually said this in an interview in an Italian paper! Bello, bello, bello. stunat…

  25. jm2 says:

    the blind being lead by the insane? how fun…

    btw, there are so many different types of pasta because Italians have been always trying to find “the one” that will hold the most sauce. that just may work in this case too…

  26. Dakotahgeo says:

    TWO home runs… damn near a TRIPLE!!!

  27. Dakotahgeo says:

    BeccaM, YOU have outdone yourself!!! This is possibly the funniest comment I have read from you. Your serious comments are also the best but I will have a difficult time going to sleep tonight because of you!!! ROFLMBO! You go, girl!

  28. Dakotahgeo says:

    Possibly “Clap” sauce?

  29. Dakotahgeo says:

    Ohhhhhh, for shame!!! (Or am I thinking of something else resembling “Puta”?? Oh myyyyyy!!! So sorry!

  30. Dakotahgeo says:

    OMG!!! So many to chose from………..!

  31. Dakotahgeo says:

    DEEEEEEEEEEEEEPLY…..CLOSETED!!!!

  32. Dakotahgeo says:

    ROFLMBO!!! Sanitarium wanting to “help” Cucinelli is like pouring lime on a corpse and screaming “ARISE!! ARISE!! and the crowd gathered and said, “HUH???” Oh, m’ stars and garters!

  33. Too bad it weren’t Cucinelli, which means “little kitchens” in Italian. Maybe we could use the extra “c” to cook up something extra! If Matthew Wayne Shepard were here, maybe he could give us some more insights, for he spoke both German and Italian at TASIS.

  34. olandp says:

    I think he would, don’t you?

  35. Naja pallida says:

    Republicans seem to love attracting failure. But really, if there’s anything that will make a revolting human being like Ken Cuccinelli look marginally better, it’s standing next to Rick Santorum.

  36. Naja pallida says:

    Well, it is national reptile awareness day.

  37. dave3137 says:

    Santorum really ought to be campaigning for the closeted self-hating types.

  38. Straightnotnarrow says:

    Puttanesca sauce of course.

  39. Patrick says:

    Ken Cuccinelli : another loser GOp’er. And possibly deeply closeted!!

  40. BeccaM says:

    That cracked me up. lol

  41. Dave of the Jungle says:

    Santorum, Sanitarium, Sanitation, SaniFlush…

  42. Ed says:

    Clam Sauce?

  43. Jonas Grumby says:

    There is just enough room on the internet for all the “HA’s” I wanna type for this.

  44. nicho says:

    “Oh, my god, she went to Vegas and came home with the Triple C — chlamydia, cuccinelli, and crabs.”

  45. mf_roe says:

    Rick Santorum doesn’t think, he regurgitates the lies he was raised on.

  46. Steve_in_RI says:

    Becca, once again you hit a home run!

  47. karmanot says:

    “Smells so bad, even her dog is avoiding her.” That’s really bad. I hope they teach about Cucciinelli in high schools everywhere along with Chylamydia other classics.

  48. Monoceros Forth says:

    What sort of sauce should you use with cuccinelli? As much as I like cooking I’m a little ashamed to say that only recently have I learned that the shape of the pasta needs to be appropriate to the sauce. (My folks would just dump any sauce on any pasta, just like most folks I’m guessing.)

    That Rick Santorum of all people thinks that he has the mojo to save Cuccinelli’s campaign is just hilarious. Does anyone like Santorum outside of the usual faction of wild-eyed “values” voters?

  49. mf_roe says:

    Right on!, Cuccinelli more closely resembles a pathogen than a nutritious edible.

  50. BillFromDover says:

    Voila.

  51. BeccaM says:

    Personally, I think we can do much better than ‘a variety of vaguely vagina-resembling pasta shells.’

    The sheer genius behind Santorum was that the name sounded like it fit the new definition and, more importantly, it was gross as all hell.

    My nomination for Cuccinelli: “A particularly treatment-resistant form of vaginal yeast infection resulting in extreme itching, rank odors, and disgusting fluid discharge. Thought by many to be spread by the unnecessary insertion of an improperly sterilized ultrasound wand or contaminated lube used on the wand.”

    Example in use: “Yeah, Brenda has a really bad case of Cuccinelli. It won’t respond to miconazole or anything. Smells so bad, even her dog is avoiding her. Guess she’s gonna be wearing granny-panties and suppositories until that nasty Cuccinelli clears up.”

  52. BeccaM says:

    Bill’s commenting as if he’s speaking to Mr. Frothy.

  53. Houndentenor says:

    When you’re behind, you bring in the one person guaranteed to make things worse for you? The bizarre thing is that McAuliffe is not that attractive a candidate. If the GOP had nominated someone not off the deep end on so many issues, they’d be ahead or at least tied at this point.

  54. BillFromDover says:

    Seriously, dude, the guy is already down 20 points with woman and you propose to do… exactly what to alleviate this?

    On second thought, bring it on, as the Couch is probably begging for your support!

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